AusMat 2K17

I decided to write about my experiences in college 10 days after AusMat prom concluded. I do not know why I took so long to write but it always my intention to write about AusMat.  Prom 2017 is pretty much the same except the fact that I did not spend most of my time hiding in the washroom instead it was one of my friends. This time I got a date to bring to prom although I do not see why she would want to date me considering all of my shortcomings. Like last year, prom this year gave me mixed feelings. I was happy to get out of the shithole, sad to leave the beginning of a strong friendship bond, excited for the next stage of my life and disappointed my dark thoughts are still with me even after another year had passed by.

So let me begin at the first day of college. Wait. No. Let me take you further back. Let me take you back to the time when I thought high school is going to be the death of me. Let me take you back to the time when high school reminded me of bad memories and how I wanted leave as soon as possible. All of my high school friends wanted more time off and they all joined in the March, May or June intakes. I was ready to start brand new in a new place and meet hopefully new friends.

I remember meeting everybody for the first time. I remember the first guy I talked to. I remember the guy wearing the jersey of my favorite football club who I thought is going to be my new best friend. I remember having a debate with a guy about which football club is better; Liverpool or Manchester United. I also remember I didn’t exactly fit in with the people I met in orientation. I remember my first crush in college being one of the few that appreciated my posts.

Someone from my orientation group once asked me who I consider as my friend and answered no. I just did not want to call anyone my friend unless I am absolutely certain that he or she is one. I considered them as friends once I can imagine us going out for lunches 5 years down the line. I was right not to call many my friend or even trust them because that someone stabbed me in the back like a snake. I think the reason why me and my first friend (L) became close because we are both depressed and anxious. We felt left out of conversation at times and soon we felt unwanted although I am pretty sure that was not the case. It was just another act of my beloved friend named anxiety. We started having lunches together and that is when we had our deep conversations. We may never talk about our dark thoughts but we know we have it. I don’t know if we will ever have those conversations again but if we do not, I wish you the best of luck strangling the demon in your head.

Then, there is C. He is the first guy I talked to in orientation. The reason we became close was because of a bet. The one who scored lower on the Human Biology test have to shave his head bald. I won the bet obviously. Since that day, I always ask him for another bet which he refuses every time. Anyhow, that gives a link that only strengthens our bond. C and I have a lot of similarities but music taste isn’t one of them. We both play classical guitar and we both complain at how hard Human Biology is. We are also quite competitive, comparing our exam result every single time. Ultimately, he did give in and join in a few bets. It should not be a surprise that I won all of them. I do not know when is the next time we meet but I just want to thank you for the time we spent studying (more hours are actually spent screaming at the slides) Human Biology. Maybe my observation is wrong but please do not beat yourself up if the results are not what you expected. You know you tried your best.

The last but not the least, J. Everywhere I go people with the acronym J always had a big influence on me. I do not know whether you noticed or not but we have a lot more similarities than differences. One of it being we are easily hooked to someone. Let’s just take the 5 years example. We both are stuck on a girl for 5 years, not being able to move on. Just like L we both have deep conversations but in a different way. The conversations are more about things we regret we didn’t do, thoughts of us not being good enough for her and constantly in a debate whether seeing them actually do us more good or harm. J and I express feelings differently than others. I write till I bleed while he sings his heart out. One thing that is different between us is that I learnt my lesson. It took all of my soul to move on from my 5 years and I am keen to not repeat that mistake. J on the other hand fell too hard and was stuck again on another girl that doesn’t feel the same way. I do not know what the future hold for us but I wish you all the best in your endeavor to find love.

Just like all groups of friends, we do have our own inside jokes that only we know. We would laugh at C for his ‘shitty day’; make jokes about J’s secret admirer and also my medical examination. We shared tears together whether it was tears from laughing too hard or tears of sadness. Despite the fact that none of us share a class together, we meet regularly for lunches. Trying new cafes or restaurants may not be one of our priorities like the other groups but being together with each other is what that matters. I will never forget the time we studying at college till late at night or our pre-celebration at Bytes and Pixels. This is the best memory of my time in college. Not my results. Not the experiences. Not her. Not prom.

Fast forward to 10^th November 2017, Ausmat Prom. I am a sentimental person. I am the kind of villain you see on TV that does numerous unnecessary moves just to make the revenge sweeter. I imagined my prom table will be full of people that I care about and maybe learn to love them at some point. In reality, half of the table is people that I do not know, care or even someone I could call a friend. It was a disappointment but at least I have these 3 by my side. Just like my high school prom, I did not enjoy it. I do not know why. I do not think anyone noticed but I felt disconnected from the world at one point during prom. I felt like I was living someone else’s life and that I do not belong there. I spent some time fixing my thoughts and feelings while everyone else was enjoying themselves. I hate it. I hate the way that I always fuck up time and time again at places where I should be making unforgettable memories.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I was right to not call many my friends at college. I learnt from my high school experience to not trust people easily. Many of them will be offended when they know I do not see them as anything more than just acquaintances. They should know that friends do not talk shit behind each other backs. Maybe I am paranoid but I am pretty sure most of them did it. Friends also give each other moral support but I only see you when it as convenient to you. Friends spend time with each other but you want me to call you a friend when the only time we talk is when we bumped into each other in the corridor. AusMat taught me that friendship is important but only if you found the right one. I am glad I found three of them but sadly we all have to go our separate ways.

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I saved the last bit for you. To be honest, I never thought I would be dating you and I still do not understand why you fell for me. I am a mess. I am emotionally unavailable and I can not sort my feelings out. Maybe you can be my saviour. Maybe you can be my La Vie En Rose but there is also a chance that I can be the death of you. I do not know what the future have for us.  However I do know that with my broken mind one of us is going to be hurt. If it is you I just want to apologize in advance.