what you have
3 weeks in and I thought I made the same mistake I did 5 years ago. I did not dare to take the leap and once again another amazing girl like you slip away from my life. I found hating you easier than missing you and it's what I did to ease the pain. I have always blamed someone else or the world for my mistakes and there was no exception. It was when I came to the realization that I lost you completely I let go. I said I was disgusted when I see you and your boyfriend sit together, holding hands and sharing food. But, the truth is that I want it. Whatever you have with her, whatever you want to call it, I want it.
It adds to the pain that I thought I almost had it. A girl I have been crushing on for 5 years finally gave me a chance. A chance to make her world light up. A chance to make her smile her beautiful smile everyday. I don't care what it took, be it aligning the stars or shoot down the moon, I wanna see her eyes light up just before she curls her lip into a smile.
I had mixed emotions towards her in that five years. It was the first day of high school. I just moved into town and I know no friends. As I found a seat in my new class and the orientation began, you stood up and introduced yourself. What everyone saw was you but what I saw was an angel, a beautiful one at that. Of course, I had not made any friends yet and cannot nudge him and says, " God damn she's beautiful."
I remember giving you a weird nickname just so you remember me. You will never how excited I was when you texted me first although I never knew how you got my number. Thus, a round of texting begins. Mind you she was the first girl I ever texted so I was really cheesy. I texted you pick up lines, cheesy compliments and cute names much like a 90's romance. Things are going well but something held me back. I never asked you out.
A year later, I watched as you dated on of my best friends. What hurts the most is the fact that you did it behind my back as if you were protecting me. They broke up not long after and I was there to pick up the pieces and mend it back. The following year on the same date,they got back together. By this time, I didn't know how to feel anymore. I remember asking you what you saw in him that I don't have. I remember clearly what you said. "He makes lame jokes that ain't funny but that's what him funny." I guess lame jokes are better than efforts poured into you. Hours spent on Facebook calming you down when he doesn't text you back isn't as good as bad jokes. Defending your name when people are talking behind your back when he's probably laughing along isn't good enough for you too, I guess.
After a while, I made you my drug. The one I relied on for all my happiness. After the effects wore off, I saw you for who you are and it hurts me. But like a drug addict, I always come back for me because your poison is already in my system and I can never truly flush it out.
I thought I could never be happier when we were dating in our senior year. I didn't know how it started just that it did. But it ended before it even begin. It was exactly two weeks. Maybe it was a mistake telling our friends I was in love with you when you weren't ready for that level of commitment yet. I guess that was how it ended. We were like matching puzzle pieces that doesn't fit. It wasn't until college that I understand what you meant by "right person, wrong time."
You left a scar deeper than hell in me. Everytime I look at you, it burns. Everytime I think of you, it bites me. Now, everytime I looked at the scar you left me, I remember our memories, both good and bad. I recall the little game we used to play with our classmates. We would try to untie each other shoe laces and it was one of my best memories of you. I also recall the things I want to forget. I want to delete pictures of you in brain that constantly haunts me. I want to forget your number, your favorite color and food and the way you used to fangirl over Justin Bieber.
Now you know my story, you also know that I want what you have. I want to have someone that fits my hand. I want someone to tell all my embarrassing stories to. I want someone to pull back up from the abyss of darkness that always claw at me. I thought I found my soul mate once and I thought I lost her. I can't bear the thought of another.
It adds to the pain that I thought I almost had it. A girl I have been crushing on for 5 years finally gave me a chance. A chance to make her world light up. A chance to make her smile her beautiful smile everyday. I don't care what it took, be it aligning the stars or shoot down the moon, I wanna see her eyes light up just before she curls her lip into a smile.
I had mixed emotions towards her in that five years. It was the first day of high school. I just moved into town and I know no friends. As I found a seat in my new class and the orientation began, you stood up and introduced yourself. What everyone saw was you but what I saw was an angel, a beautiful one at that. Of course, I had not made any friends yet and cannot nudge him and says, " God damn she's beautiful."
I remember giving you a weird nickname just so you remember me. You will never how excited I was when you texted me first although I never knew how you got my number. Thus, a round of texting begins. Mind you she was the first girl I ever texted so I was really cheesy. I texted you pick up lines, cheesy compliments and cute names much like a 90's romance. Things are going well but something held me back. I never asked you out.
A year later, I watched as you dated on of my best friends. What hurts the most is the fact that you did it behind my back as if you were protecting me. They broke up not long after and I was there to pick up the pieces and mend it back. The following year on the same date,they got back together. By this time, I didn't know how to feel anymore. I remember asking you what you saw in him that I don't have. I remember clearly what you said. "He makes lame jokes that ain't funny but that's what him funny." I guess lame jokes are better than efforts poured into you. Hours spent on Facebook calming you down when he doesn't text you back isn't as good as bad jokes. Defending your name when people are talking behind your back when he's probably laughing along isn't good enough for you too, I guess.
After a while, I made you my drug. The one I relied on for all my happiness. After the effects wore off, I saw you for who you are and it hurts me. But like a drug addict, I always come back for me because your poison is already in my system and I can never truly flush it out.
I thought I could never be happier when we were dating in our senior year. I didn't know how it started just that it did. But it ended before it even begin. It was exactly two weeks. Maybe it was a mistake telling our friends I was in love with you when you weren't ready for that level of commitment yet. I guess that was how it ended. We were like matching puzzle pieces that doesn't fit. It wasn't until college that I understand what you meant by "right person, wrong time."
You left a scar deeper than hell in me. Everytime I look at you, it burns. Everytime I think of you, it bites me. Now, everytime I looked at the scar you left me, I remember our memories, both good and bad. I recall the little game we used to play with our classmates. We would try to untie each other shoe laces and it was one of my best memories of you. I also recall the things I want to forget. I want to delete pictures of you in brain that constantly haunts me. I want to forget your number, your favorite color and food and the way you used to fangirl over Justin Bieber.
Now you know my story, you also know that I want what you have. I want to have someone that fits my hand. I want someone to tell all my embarrassing stories to. I want someone to pull back up from the abyss of darkness that always claw at me. I thought I found my soul mate once and I thought I lost her. I can't bear the thought of another.
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