Alone

 I was never really keen on existentialism because of this one quote which says we are born alone and will die alone. To be honest, I am scared by that quote. I am scared to feel abandoned, to feel lost and to feel like which I have no connection. Could I have been a bit more sensitive to the word alone because of my childhood experiences?

I remember growing up alone. My sister was always going to be in a different school than me and my cousins were all in another school with different class times. I remember myself spending hours and hours reading, playing and studying by myself. I did not even had TV to accompany me because my aunt wanted to save electricity. If I am not in my aunt's house, I will be attending tuition classes, alone. 

Yes, you can argue that there are still some people around me but I still feel lonely. I remember going up to my aunt wanting to tell her about this cool fact I read in a book, but she was busy in the kitchen. I remember wanting to play football with my cousins but they prefer badminton instead. Seems petty right? But with enough occurrences, I began to think like no one is interested in what I want to do so I can only do it alone. And I did. 

But now, it got a little too comfortable for me to be alone. I thought that friends were supposed to be similar in preferences. Somehow, it seems like I am pandering to my social circle. I do what they want to do but they are never interested in what I want to do. It is the same with my family. They choose where to travel and what to eat. They enjoy their spa day and manicures. They went shopping but dragged me along as if that would make me feel less lonely. 

I realize now why enjoy my alone time now. I felt liberating that I did not have to care about others needs and wants because they never really cared mine. I can eat food that I crave, go places I want, do things I like. Because every time I follow their wishes, it seems like my own wishing star grow dimmer. 

I fell sick yesterday right as when my family go travel overseas. I was looking forward to it, thinking I can do whatever I want. The sickness did bummed me out a lot and I did not do much other than watching TV, eating and playing games. It did not feel quite as bad as I thought and I did enjoy these times. Could it be a sign that I am too comfortable alone? Would I really die alone?