Graduation...

One lazy afternoon, I sat down and realized I am only 5 months or so away from graduation and I cannot decide what to feel. Do I feel sad or do I feel happy? What is graduation anyway? I remember at the start of my final school year, I walked into school realizing I am a senior now and that thought somehow does not intrigue me even though there was so much hype being a senior.

            A little more than 4 years ago, I was in school looking at my crush and wondering how long would I like this girl for. At that time, we liked to prank each other by untying his or her shoelaces when one is not looking. I imagined myself playing this prank on her in our senior year. I did ask myself how long will these crushes last and will I ever remember this memory. Turns out I do. However it is not a sweet one. I had a crush on her for 2 or 3 years and then I ignored her for the rest of the school years. It was silly thinking back because I remembered arguing to myself that this is not some old puppy love.

            I meant not to boast but I did have a few girlfriends here and there and the amount is more than some most boys. I know I will miss the times I initiate a conversation with a girl; what’s with my raging hormones. There was also once during a school trip where I had a competition with my friends to see how much phone numbers we could get in that trip. Of course, my heart was pounding when I ask for a girl’s number but that is a thrill for a teenage boy undergoing puberty. Saying I like you and you like me is nothing but games for teenage boys like me. But after high school, everything will be a serious thing including relationships.

            I remember the first friend I made when I was in high school. I asked to borrow a pen from him because he was sitting beside me. I ended up hating him for a while but now we are strangers even though we used to have such good chemistry playing can-made football in the school hall. There used to be a group of friends that I hanged out with. They are the true definition of friend. What made us bond together was that all of us have a sick sense of humor and love for football. I remember going to school at 7 in the morning to play football with my friends even though school starts at 1. I misunderstood them or maybe they misunderstood me. Either way, one by one I lost them. Now, I can only reminiscence about the memories.

            The teachers were never what I expect them to be. I always have high standards for teachers and I expect them to reach it because they have the ability to recourse the path of their students. A teacher teaches but a great teacher inspires students. I am thankful for the teachers who worked outside the school hours planning the next class and preparing our homework. Sadly, there are not many that I can name. I am not much of a rule-breaker but I can only name two incidents when I found myself in a real mess. The first was when I skipped class and played football with a few of my classmates. The discipline teacher caught us and took down our names and that was it.  The second time was when my hair was deemed too long and a teacher cut my hair on the stage. It was great because my whole gang got their hair cut too. I know rules are made to keep us in boundary of the ’safe-line’ and the punishment I got was far from severe. Life is harsh outside school and if you do break the rules, law is not as lenient as the school rules.

            I know I will look back to this moment five months later when I have just finished taking my last paper and wishing I had appreciated everything while it was all here. Maybe I will hold to my pencils tightly that day and take a dramatic last breath before taking my last step as a high school student. Someday I wished the seconds ticked away faster and sometimes I want the time to freeze right there and then. I know in the future when I am walking out of school the last time with tears that will not come and friends crying goodbyes on each other shoulders, I am sure that I will not be able to tell myself to feel what I am supposed to feel. I thought that I might prepare my own goodbye speeches to my friends, teachers and the memories that this school held for me. But then, I realized something.

            I, together with everyone, am going to say goodbyes to all the great things. Why not say goodbyes to the bad things? Say goodbye to the times it was a no instead of a yes. Say goodbye to the friends that left instead of staying.  Say goodbye to the times it was an F instead of an A. Say goodbye to breakfast at 6 and rushing so that you do not miss the bus. Say goodbye to all the bad memories because after this, it is a brave new world outside. Friends come and go but find one that stays. Nobody should live in the past but you can create a memory that lasts.