this is how i end the book

Every time I begin a story, I usually start with the title because it reminds me of what I should write. But, today I'm writing about you. I procrastinated long enough. Every time I try to put pen to paper, I got overwhelmed with emotions. Memories flood back like a broken dam. I have to tread carefully on this one because you are the story of all my other stories, the one I revolves around and the one I wished did not end.  It has to be my masterpiece, not one I will read again and again but one that can fully shows how I feel these 6 years.

Now, how do I begin? There are so many things to describe you and the way we meet but there is no way to say it without it sounding like a cliché from a book. I could tell you stories about football, my passion and how my day is going on but when it comes to you, I have no words. I just want to get out the entire cliché before I go any further. Yes, she is pretty and yes she is intelligent and has a smile that melts me. Yes she did hold my gaze when I first saw her and I did not know that then but I was already hooked to you. When I mean hooked, I mean hooked like a drug addict. I made you my drug, the one I rely on for all my happiness.

It was the first day of high school and I still remember it like it was yesterday. I was a new kid in town and I did not know anyone and I was kind of a nerd then so naturally I sat in front. The first friend I made was this guy called K which we sadly we fell out, along with my second and third friend. Little did I know, the girl sitting a few seats behind me became an Achilles' heel for me. There were prettier girls there but you were and still are different from the rest of them. I don't know what caught my attention, the fact that your smile is infectious or the fact that you seems to know everybody there.

Thinking back now, I am pretty sure that it was your smile. I have had crushes after you but not one held my gaze like you did. There was something different in the way you do something as simple as smiling. Just a few weeks ago, I had lunch with one of our friends. We talked about college, friends and where they are now and then crushes. He was surprised when he found out I still has not moved on from you. He even frowned at me when I said she was the cutest girl in our school. I remembered in the first year of our high school, we had an event. You showed up in a purple dress and I was just speechless. I did not know how to compliment you for no words can even to begin to describe how beautiful you looked then. Now, I am beginning to sound like a cliché.

There is one particular time when you disappointed me. It happened just 9 months after I met you. You were dating one of my best friends and I still remember the date, September the 12^th. I learnt a long time ago that liking someone does not mean that you should be together with her but seeing her happy is more than satisfactory. I was disappointed that you found the need to keep it a secret and lying to me about how this guy you’re dating is of different age, schools and shit. I have always found the ‘I was trying to protect you’ excuse as a pile of shit even in the movies and I guess I did not expect that from you. You broke up with him not long after and me, who am trying to act like a hero, comforted you. The funny thing is you guys got back together the very next year on the same date. I remember asking you what did you like about him and you answered, ”He makes jokes that aren’t funny and that is what so funny to me.”

I tried hating you for 2 years. Those 2 years were the worst two years in my high school life. I lost friends in that period and no shoulder to cry on. You were once the coffee to my Monday morning but at that time you were a face I was trying to forget. If I saw you coming, I would run in the opposite direction. Obviously, you knew something was up. You wrote me a note asking what was wrong. I tore it up in front of you. I tore it not because I wanted to hurt you. I tore it because I was trying to make myself believe that I truly hate you. I kept what was left of the note in my pencil case and I would take it out and read and reread it.

For 2 years I ignored you. You would still say hi to me even though you never found out the reason I kept avoiding you. Most times than not, I pretended to not hear and just walk away. There was one time where I was playing "Guess That Song" with our friends and although you were the only one that gave the correct answer, I still ignored you. Thinking back now makes me feel like an immature idiot. I guess I just have difficulty expressing my feelings.

2 years of ignoring.

I never thought that I will ever admit it but yes, I fell in love with you and although it hurts me I cannot climb out of this pit. Maybe I was stupid admitting I love you one week in and I used to laugh at Ted Mosby but now I am him. You are the only girl I fell in love with. Like I said, I dated a few girls and I do not even remember their birthdays and names. On the other hand, I remember everything you told me about you. Your favourite food are spaghetti Bolognese and dumplings, favourite colour is purple and blue but you only like purple because Justin Bieber likes it, I still remember your phone number and on your birthday each year, I sent you chocolates secretly and wished that I was brave enough to send you a birthday text.  You used to say "Nothing is something" and that was what I said when I was trying to comfort you after your break up.

It was prom and it is going to be the last time I am going to see you. You came with a date, your boyfriend and although I asked you to be my date months earlier but priorities I guess. I spent an hour in the toilet trying to avoid you. Friends came and expressed concern to me but I just said it was stomachache. When I return, I sat with my back facing you, trying to block as much feelings as possible and enjoy my time there.You were enjoying your time there and I was trying my best not to run to the hotel bar and get drunk. At the end of the prom, we were just inches away, saying goodbyes to each of our friends but I kept my eyes off you. I did not even say goodbye. That was how I end this book. There were no fireworks and kisses, flowers and tears and no last minute speech about true love. How anticlimactic.

I am a proud guy. I am proud of all my achievements and what I can achieve still. I am confident in everything I do from presentations, man management to talking to strangers. I admit I am arrogant and narcissistic. I will never find doubts within myself if it wasn’t for you. You are the one that made me question myself, wondering what the guys you dated have that I don’t. What can they do to make you happy that I cannot do? Only you have this power over me.