The Forgotten Past

To Always believe that I am unlovable To Realize my own Inferiority To see with Envy as others were celebrated While I sat alone, accommodating What is mean like to mean something special to others Am I capable of such feelings The question would not be  If I'm loved by people But rather If I can feel love. 

 I was never really keen on existentialism because of this one quote which says we are born alone and will die alone. To be honest, I am scared by that quote. I am scared to feel abandoned, to feel lost and to feel like which I have no connection. Could I have been a bit more sensitive to the word alone because of my childhood experiences? I remember growing up alone. My sister was always going to be in a different school than me and my cousins were all in another school with different class times. I remember myself spending hours and hours reading, playing and studying by myself. I did not even had TV to accompany me because my aunt wanted to save electricity. If I am not in my aunt's house, I will be attending tuition classes, alone.  Yes, you can argue that there are still some people around me but I still feel lonely. I remember going up to my aunt wanting to tell her about this cool fact I read in a book, but she was busy in the kitchen. I remember wanting to play footbal...

 Damn... I thought I done all the reflections I need But I got a new one Fresh perspectives I guess Of all the admirations and praises that I get The reason I got burdened Is yes, I felt it was conditional Because I never really felt someone ever be proud of me Not of my achievements But me.  That hits hard

 Today I weeped again For a wound I thought healed Started to bleed again It's not the blood that I weep over Or the staring eyes It's the pain deep in the bones That felt familiar but foreign How I wish I don't weep But how do I deny  A part of me? Today I bled

 I feel that I am pressed by time To do a million things To catch up to another thousand I feel that I am chased But when I turned There is only my shadow I feel that I am tensed Never ever be able to relax to have a drink and peace of mind I feel that I am pressed by time not for time

 I thought I was doing well But its cold claws came back Gripping me with its familiar chill And I still cant my scream I thought I saw glimpses of you But it must have been forgotten A hot summer that passed so quickly Y,Y

 The year ahead I have just a simple wish To begin enjoying again the small things in life The holidays, birthdays, trips and wins To look forward to it all But not worrying about the future I want to celebrate and enjoy and live in the present moment To the year ahead. 

 

 To look at the world again through a different lens To realize again we are not what we perceive All my life has been chasing on an unending race To realize we are the only runner Finally, I have a state of mind Peace and tranquility To let go of my external goals And listen to my heart

       I felt that the pandemic has stolen time from me 2 years of my youth spent in lockdown Now, I find myself compensating for lost time Trying to fast-forward life Going to clubs, thinking about marriage and long term career Am I really living life in the present? Or is time really living me?

       It took a while to realize that death is not the end all be all The inevitability of death is an opportunity to live better Knowing our mortality motivates us to the live the life we want It still makes me and gives me sleepless nights But death is not the end all be all

       La Vie En Rose: Life through rosy glasses.  It depicts a time in life when someone falls in love When they see the world through rose tainted glasses How long does the honeymoon last? Can it be eternity?

I decided to write about my experiences in college 10 days after AusMat prom concluded. I do not know why I took so long to write but it always my intention to write about AusMat.  Prom 2017 is pretty much the same except the fact that I did not spend most of my time hiding in the washroom instead it was one of my friends. This time I got a date to bring to prom although I do not see why she would want to date me considering all of my shortcomings. Like last year, prom this year gave me mixed feelings. I was happy to get out of the shithole, sad to leave the beginning of a strong friendship bond, excited for the next stage of my life and disappointed my dark thoughts are still with me even after another year had passed by. So let me begin at the first day of college. Wait. No. Let me take you further back. Let me take you back to the time when I thought high school is going to be the death of me. Let me take you back to the time when high school reminded me of bad memories and...

Every time I begin a story, I usually start with the title because it reminds me of what I should write. But, today I'm writing about you. I procrastinated long enough. Every time I try to put pen to paper, I got overwhelmed with emotions. Memories flood back like a broken dam. I have to tread carefully on this one because you are the story of all my other stories, the one I revolves around and the one I wished did not end.  It has to be my masterpiece, not one I will read again and again but one that can fully shows how I feel these 6 years. Now, how do I begin? There are so many things to describe you and the way we meet but there is no way to say it without it sounding like a cliché from a book. I could tell you stories about football, my passion and how my day is going on but when it comes to you, I have no words. I just want to get out the entire cliché before I go any further. Yes, she is pretty and yes she is intelligent and has a smile that melts me. Yes she did ...

3 weeks in and I thought I made the same mistake I did 5 years ago. I did not dare to take the leap and once again another amazing girl like you slip away from my life. I found hating you easier than missing you and it's what I did to ease the pain. I have always blamed someone else or the world for my mistakes and there was no exception. It was when I came to the realization that I lost you completely I let go. I said I was disgusted when I see you and your boyfriend sit together, holding hands and sharing food. But,  the truth is that I want it. Whatever you have with her,  whatever you want to call it, I want it. It adds to the pain that I thought I almost had it. A girl I have been crushing on for 5 years finally gave me a chance. A chance to make her world light up. A chance to make her smile her beautiful smile everyday. I don't care what it took, be it aligning the stars or shoot down the moon, I wanna see her eyes light up just before she curls her lip into a smile. ...

“It’s just a dream, it’s just a dream. You will wake up any second now.” I thought to myself. 3 weeks into college and I still could not believe it. That thought kept repeating itself in my mind like a broken cassette, preventing me from enjoying this moment. The moment I have been dreaming about for months. Meeting new people, studying subjects that interest me and learning new cultures are among the things that I want to do in college. However, every day, hours and class that I was in felt like a dream and a vacation. It feels weird not going to the same school that you have been going to for 5 years. It feels weird that you still wake up at the same time but going in the opposite direction. It feels weird doing these familiar things but with different friends. It feels weird not going to the same school as the girl that kept your heart for 5 years. You need time to get used to the fact that her smile is the only thing that you morning. You miss the butterflies she unconsciously p...

One lazy afternoon, I sat down and realized I am only 5 months or so away from graduation and I cannot decide what to feel. Do I feel sad or do I feel happy? What is graduation anyway? I remember at the start of my final school year, I walked into school realizing I am a senior now and that thought somehow does not intrigue me even though there was so much hype being a senior.             A little more than 4 years ago, I was in school looking at my crush and wondering how long would I like this girl for. At that time, we liked to prank each other by untying his or her shoelaces when one is not looking. I imagined myself playing this prank on her in our senior year. I did ask myself how long will these crushes last and will I ever remember this memory. Turns out I do. However it is not a sweet one. I had a crush on her for 2 or 3 years and then I ignored her for the rest of the school years. It was silly thinking back because ...

Why is it that you have no emotion? How do you keep yourself in motion? What do you do to keep living life? Why do you start talking with the cuts from your knife? You say you do not feel joy Yet you play like a toy You say everything is a trick Yet you never get pricked You say you do not feel sorrow Yet you act like there is no tomorrow You say you do not fear tears Yet you never once shed one You say you do not feel pain Yet your wrists have blood stains You told me to not worry Yet you never told me your story Why is it that you have no emotion? How do you keep yourself in motion? What do you do to keep living life? Why do you start talking with the cuts from your knife?

When tears don't come And words don't tell The loneliness in you Take a metal pen To write stories On your wrist Watch red beads drip And let relief sweep away The pain of yesterday As you draw another line To complete your story Let darkness engulf you When tears don't come And words don tell

               Are you always the friend that never got called to a gathering? Are you the friend that have to walk behind when the walkway is not wide enough? Are you the one that got belittle by each and every of the member in the gang and no one is there to stand up for you so you just have to laugh along. Are your messages got ignored in the Whatsapp group chat? Do any of your friends ever listen to your stories, your ideas or even your pain? Can you recount the times your friends actually sat with you during recess? No? You must be a lucky person. Now, relax and let me tell you the story of a friend that doesn’t have any friend.                 His name was Tre Lee. He was a happy boy. Born in Malaysia, his family together with him moved to Australia when he was 2 so that his father could work in his new company. Every day, his father makes sure Tre does not forge...